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HealthscareGov

Sign up now by Mar. 31, 2014, before penalties apply!** (It's gonna cost you an arm, leg, and a kidney if you put this off, comprende!?)

F.A.Q.:

  1. Q: Is there a health plan that covers the Lap Band?
    A: No.

  2. Q: Is it true that your site has had only six enrollments since you launched?
    A: The media has grossly misrepresented figures and numbers related to our site and are pulling numbers straight from their ass. For them to claim we've had only six sign-ups is offensive and downright absurd. For the record, the actual number is sixteen enrollments via our site since the launch date. And the numbers are growing day by day.

  3. Q: Your site is confusing and poorly made. I know at least 30+ people who could have made a better-looking and more functional site than yours.
    A: That's nice to hear that you have more than 30 friends. We have millions to serve and are extremely sorry we can't make everyone happy. Feel free to email us with suggestions on how to improve. I'm sure we'll get around to reading them.

  4. Q: I've heard about this new, cool, and popular site called thehealthsherpa.com created by three smart 20-something coders in 3 days that allows thousands of users to easily search for health plan/rates in their area within seconds; what do you have to say about that?
    A: We decline to comment. What the hell is a Sherpa anyway?!



  5. Q: Is this site secure? How do I know it's okay to enter my personal information on your site?
    A: Our site is 100% safe and secure. Jesus says so and Obama the NSA is watching... Oh, and we have a Secure Site Seal on our site:


    Yep, totally safe.

  6. Q: You received $400 million dollars to create healthcare.gov; that is an exorbitant amount of money.
    A: The $400 million we got just doesn't cover all our bills and expenses...Our RedBull supply must be replenished daily and Ping Pong league fees are due now, do you even understand?!

  7. Q: My insurance company just canceled my current health plan; what the hell do I do now?
    A: Great, now you can now sign up for a new plan via our site that costs up to 40% more!

  8. Q: I can't get through to search for or apply for a health plan because the enrollment page loads continuously or has an error message!
    A: This would be an opportune time to get yourself a cup of coffee or do some household errands while you wait. The constant clicking on the refresh button and banging your head on the keyboard, however, is pointless and no fun for anyone; you could end up in the hospital without health insurance! You should also keep your cursing at a minimum if you have small children at home. The site worked when we tried it this morning so we know it works. Trust us.

  9. Q: What happened to the 'Glitch Girl' featured on your homepage?
    A: Her real name is Adriana and she was forced to move back to her home country due to cyber bullying. We totally understand she didn't want to be a punching bag for us anymore so we did the right thing and took the photo down and sold every last picture we found of her to TMZ. She still hasn't gotten a dime from us.

  10. Q: How come when I tried to contact healthcare.gov by phone, I was redirected to a suicide hotline?
    A: Because we're trying to get you the help you need during these very dark times.

If you don't see your question answered here please do 'Contact Us'!

CONTACT US:


You can reach our healthcare navigators/suicide prevention specialists live by phone at 1-800-555-1450 from 3-5 AM daily. Or, drop us an email & we'll get back to you shortly, by the time this site is fixed or next year, whichever is faster:

Email Us

PAPER APPLICATONS:


Due to popular demand we are now accepting paper applications! You can send your application and/or complaint(s) to:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington

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© 2013 This is a parody site by Amy Ma.